American Idyll
by Katy Huth Jones
Cast of Characters:
Students at Ogden Nash High School:
Troy Bolton
Gabriella Montez
Vanessa Doofenschmirtz
Hannah Montana
London Tipton
Shaun White
Napoleon Dynamite
Patrick Starfish
Elizabeth Swann
Bobby Boucher
Indiana Jones
American Idyll Judges:
Simon Cowell
Tony Romo
Sarah Palin
Mrs. Gordon (as herself)
Scene 1:
English class, last day before Easter Break. MRS. GORDON is standing before her distracted
English class which includes TROY, GABRIELLA, VANESSA, HANNAH, LONDON, SHAUN,
NAPOLEON, PATRICK, ELIZABETH, BOBBY, and INDIANA. Students are whispering among themselves.
MRS. GORDON: Your
Easter Break begins in just a few minutes.
(Students cheer as she holds up a hand for attention.) Please give me your attention for an
important announcement.
(Students give her their full attention.)
MRS. GORDON: When
we return after Easter Break, we'll begin a special unit on poetry. (Students groan.) Now, now, hear me out. (Students get quiet.) Before radio and television were invented,
people used to gather and listen to others recite poetry. Sometimes the poet would recite his or her
own poetry, and sometimes others would memorize well-known poems and recite
them.
VANESSA: Mrs.
Gordon, that sounds really boring.
LONDON: It sure
does.
INDIANA: I'd
rather visit the Reptile House at the zoo than listen to poetry.
(Students talk among themselves.)
MRS. GORDON:
(Holding up her hand for silence.)
Since our school is named for Ogden Nash, a famous American poet, I've
decided that our class will have a formal poetry recital. Each of you is required to recite two poems
by memory. (More groans are heard.) You will recite one original poem and one by
another poet.
GABRIELLA: Is
there a minimum word count, Mrs. Gordon?
I read ahead in the book and some of Ogden Nash's poems are only two
lines long.
TROY: Haikus have
only three lines. I might be able to
memorize one of those.
HANNAH: Sweet
niblets! If only we were singing, I
could do that all day! (Students sound
enthusiastic.) Who wants to have a
singing recital?
PATRICK: I do!
ALL: Yes, music!
MRS. GORDON: You've
already had a music recital this year.
We're going to do something different.
After all, many song lyrics can stand alone as poems. Perhaps you can think of this recital as
singing without music.
ELIZABETH:
Actually, I quite like this idea.
The only song I know is "It's a Pirate's Life for Me," and I'm
tone deaf anyway, so I'd rather recite the words.
MRS. GORDON: You
don't need to stress yourselves. I just
wanted to give you plenty of time to plan ahead. We'll begin writing poetry next week and then
decide a date for our recital. I'd like
for you to invite your families.
NAPOLEON: My
family would never come. They're just
too weird.
SHAUN: Reciting
poetry is not as exciting as snowboarding, so I'm not sure mine would come,
either.
BOBBY: I think my
Mama would come.
MRS. GORDON: Have
a good Easter Break and we'll make our plans when you get back.
(Bell rings.
Students gather up books, backpacks, etc. and begin to leave.)
HANNAH: I sure
wish we could sing instead.
GABRIELLA: So do
I. But a poetry recital might not be so
bad.
TROY: You're
kidding, right?
GABRIELLA: No, I
mean it.
LONDON: I think it
sounds dumb.
NAPOLEON: More
than dumb.
BOBBY: Maybe a
little dumb.
VANESSA (to the girls):
Did you hear that Sarah Palin is coming to Kerrville for a book signing
in May?
HANNAH, GABRIELLA:
Really?
SHAUN: What day in
May?
VANESSA: The
Saturday before Mother's Day. Why?
SHAUN: Well,
that's the same weekend Tony Romo will be visiting my uncle.
BOBBY: Tony
Romo? Are you kidding me?
SHAUN: No, it's
true. Romo and my uncle were roommates
in college.
TROY: Cool!
LONDON: Who cares
about Tony Romo. I want to know more
about Sarah Palin.
SHAUN: Who cares
about Sarah Palin?
GIRLS: We do!
ELIZABETH: That's
a busy weekend. Simon Cowell will also
be in Kerrville.
NAPOLEON: Sweet!
PATRICK: Who's
that?
LONDON: What do
you mean, "Who's that?" Don't
you watch "American Idol"?
PATRICK: I don't
have TV.
LONDON: No
TV? How do you live?
INDIANA: American
idol. Is that the one made of gold in a
secret cave in South America?
SHAUN: You're
kidding, right?
INDIANA: We don't
have TV either. Dad only lets me have
books.
TROY: Don't even
try to explain American Idol to them. It
would take too long.
VANESSA: You know
what? I just had a really crazy idea.
ALL: What?
VANESSA: How often
do three famous people come to Kerrville in one weekend?
HANNAH: During the
Folklife Festival?
LONDON: She means really famous people. Like Simon Cowell!
BOBBY: Like Tony
Romo!
GABRIELLA: Like
Sarah Palin!
NAPOLEON: What's
your crazy idea, Vanessa?
VANESSA: What if
we had our poetry recital and asked them to judge it?
LONDON: No way!
PATRICK: Yes way!
HANNAH: You mean
they judge our poems instead of songs and stuff?
VANESSA: Sure, why
not?
ELIZABETH: I think
it would be rather exciting!
BOBBY: What if I
got stage fright and forgot my poems?
SHAUN: There'd be
nothing to fear at a poetry recital.
INDIANA: That's
what scares me.
GABRIELLA: But
would they agree to judge us? How could
we pay them?
LONDON: With
money?
TROY: Whose
money? I'm sure they'd charge a lot.
GABRIELLA: We
could have a bake sale.
PATRICK: Why don't
we just ask them?
VANESSA: Good
idea, Patrick. I'll ask Sarah Palin.
SHAUN: And I'll
ask Tony Romo.
ELIZABETH: And
I'll ask Simon.
NAPOLEON: So we
just need to see what Simon says.
PATRICK: Simon
says, "Have a good Easter Break!"
ALL: Good-bye,
Patrick!
Scene 2:
Mrs. Gordon's class, sometime after Easter Break. The students are talking before the bell
rings.
GABRIELLA (to Vanessa):
So, what did you find out?
TROY: Yeah, the
suspense is killing me.
VANESSA: Sarah
Palin finally got back with me, and she said she would be honored to judge our
poetry recital after her book signing on that Saturday! I asked her how much she charged, and she
said she would do it for free.
LONDON: Wow!
SHAUN: When my
uncle called Tony Romo, I got to talk to him too, and he said Saturday night
was his only free time.
BOBBY: How
much? A million bucks, I bet.
SHAUN: No, he said
he would do it for free, since I'm like family.
NAPOLEON:
Yesssssss.
INDIANA: And how
about this idol guy?
ELIZABETH: He said
he might be able to do it.
VANESSA: Not
definitely?
ELIZABETH:
No. But he is supposed to let me
know by the first of May.
GABRIELLA: Well,
even if he can't do it, we still have two famous people.
TROY: Shouldn't we
have three on the judge's panel, though?
HANNAH: Three is
much better than two.
PATRICK:
Especially when it comes to meals.
(Bell rings.
Students take their seats.)
MRS. GORDON: I'd
like to take a few minutes to talk about the poetry recital. (Vanessa raises her hand.) Yes, Vanessa?
VANESSA: Mrs.
Gordon, we have an idea.
BOBBY: A really
good idea.
PATRICK: A really,
really good idea!
MRS. GORDON: Well,
what is it?
VANESSA: We'd like
for the poetry recital to be judged.
MRS. GORDON:
Judged? By whom?
LONDON: Sarah
Palin and—
SHAUN: Tony Romo
and—
ELIZABETH: Simon
Cowell, if he can make it.
MRS. GORDON:
You're kidding, right?
ALL: Oh, no!
GABRIELLA: Sarah
Palin and Tony Romo can judge for sure the Saturday night before Mother's Day.
TROY: But Simon
Cowell won't know for sure until May 1st.
MRS. GORDON: It
sounds like you want to follow the format from American Idol.
HANNAH: Oh,
yes! We'd like to recite our poetry
dramatically, or in costume, or whatever.
NAPOLEON: (Striking
a pose) "I like my tots. Lots and
lots." Is that dramatic enough?
INDIANA:
Dramatic? No. Dumb?
Yes.
HANNAH: Ya think?
MRS. GORDON: With
such notable celebrities as judges, do you want to open this to the public?
(The students look at one another with their mouths
open.)
GIRLS: Yes! }
(Simultaneously)
BOYS: No! }
TROY: We should
keep this at the school, Mrs. Gordon. If
word got out, it could turn into a circus.
VANESSA: But
couldn't this give our school great publicity?
BOBBY: I'm not
reciting poetry in front of the whole city!
HANNAH: But what
if Simon really likes you?
LONDON: Yay, me!
MRS. GORDON: I'll
just step in and make a decision to keep this within our school.
GIRLS: Awwww. }
(Simultaneously)
BOYS: Yea!!!!!
MRS. GORDON: And
since you will be judged, you only have to recite your original poem.
ALL: Yea!!!!!!
GABRIELLA: What
should we call our recital?
ELIZABETH:
"Poetry Recital" does sound rather lame.
VANESSA: Can't we
call it "American Idol"?
SHAUN: No,
silly. It won't be exactly like it.
PATRICK: How about
"Ogden Nash Idol?"
BOBBY: Naw, that's
dumb.
TROY: What about
"idyll" spelled I-D-Y-L-L?
LONDON: What does
that mean?
INDIANA: If that
means what I think it means, it would be perfect.
GABRIELLA: Let's
check the dictionary. (Opens book) "Idyll.
A short poem depicting a peaceful, idealized country scene. A long poem that tells a story about heroic
deeds or extraordinary events set in the distant past. For example, Idylls of the King, by Alfred
Lord Tennyson, is about King Arthur and the Knights of the Round
Table." (Looks at Troy) How did you know it had something to do with
poetry?
TROY:
(Shrugs) Just a lucky guess, I
guess.
HANNAH: That
sounds like the perfect name for our recital!
American Idyll!
NAPOLEON:
Yessssss!
Scene 3:
The Saturday before Mother's Day.
An empty stage with three desks lined in a row to one side and a sign
that reads "American Idyll."
VANESSA is pacing nervously.
HANNAH stands nearby.
VANESSA: What if
the judges don't show up? What if they
get lost?
HANNAH: Don't
worry, Vanessa. It'll all work out!
(LONDON enters.)
LONDON: They're
coming! They're all coming!
(Enter SARAH PALIN, TONY ROMO, and SIMON COWELL, followed
by all the others.)
VANESSA: (Hugging
SARAH) I'm Vanessa. Thank you so much for coming, Mrs. Palin!
SARAH: You
betcha! And please, call me Sarah.
VANESSA: Thanks,
Sarah!
HANNAH: (To Tony
Romo) Thank you for coming, Mr. Romo.
TONY: (Shakes
Hannah's hand) My pleasure. I'm a football guy 24/7 but I'll give poetry
my best shot.
ELIZABETH:
Everyone, this is Simon Cowell.
ALL: Hi, Simon!
SIMON: Thank you
for inviting me. I am looking forward to
this. I really am.
MRS. GORDON: Well,
if you will take your seats, the parents are coming in now and we'll get
started. (Waits while everyone is
seated.) Good evening, and welcome to
American Idyll. I'd like to welcome and
introduce our three distinguished judges.
First is Sarah Palin. (SARAH
stands and waves while everyone claps.)
Next is Tony Romo. (TONY stands
and nods while everyone claps.) And last,
but certainly not least is Simon Cowell.
(SIMON stands and smiles while everyone claps.) The students will be reciting their own
original poetry. Our first contestant is
London Tipton.
(As each student recites, he or she moves to center
front. After Simon's
"pronouncement" he or she moves back with appropriate facial
response.)
LONDON: Ice
cream, bananas and caramel topping,
Strawberry, chocolate—oh, I am not stopping!
Candy bits, sprinkles and three kinds of nuts,
Whipped cream and cherries—I'll have happy guts!
SARAH: Nice
imagery.
TONY: Your rhymes
are technically correct.
SIMON: The last
word—it was like watching a horror movie.
Next, please.
MRS. GORDON: Next
we have Bobby Boucher.
BOBBY: The caiman is a wee black 'gator
With a cuter face than most.
See him now, or see him later
But don't get close or you are toast.
SARAH: That was
just a bit—weird.
TONY: I'd have to
give you a technical foul on that one.
SIMON: You're like
a little hamster trying to be a tiger.
Or a 'gator' in this case. Next!
MRS. GORDON: Next
is Elizabeth Swann.
ELIZABETH: The
Black Avenger is my name,
I plunder ships of the Spanish Main.
My two mates are with me here,
and our names inspire fear:
Mad Dog Jack and One-Eyed Joe.
Ladies faint where’er we go.
We’ll keep sailing together forever—
At least, that is, ‘til suppertime.
SARAH: I think I
understand what you were trying to do with this mask poem, but it falls flat.
TONY: Like a
football with a hole in it.
SIMON: It was actually
a bit cheap. I actually think you're
better than that as an artist. Next,
please.
MRS. GORDON: Next
is Shaun White.
SHAUN: If a pig's
evading capture
While he's slogging through the muck,
Would you call his movements pig-zag?
Or just call it dumb pig luck?
SARAH: Great
action words! I like the visual you've
got here.
TONY: Yeah, it
reminds me of some rainy day football games.
SIMON: You're like
an enthusiastic dog, aren’t you? Next!
MRS. GORDON: Next
we have Vanessa Doofenschmirtz.
SIMON:
Seriously? (To Vanessa) Your name
should get you at least partial credit.
VANESSA: Betty
likes spaghetti,
Norman likes it, too.
But don't give any to Baby Benny
Or he'll throw it back at you.
SARAH: Cute
rhymes, cute poem.
TONY: A little too
cute, in my playbook.
SIMON: It was
rather like eating ice for lunch. It
leaves you with nothing to remember afterwards.
Next!
MRS. GORDON: Next
is Indiana Jones.
INDIANA: I am a warrior, bold and brave.
I fight the ogres who live in the cave.
I guard the king when he travels the land
And serve him true with head, heart and hand.
I'm good at chess, but I like archeology better.
SARAH: If you just
cut that last line, it was a lyrical mask poem.
TONY: I really
wanted you to win badly. But that one
fumbled.
SIMON: Until the
last line, you were brilliant. But then
it actually sounded stupid. Next.
MRS. GORDON: Next
is Troy Bolton.
TROY: The bumpy,
lumpy wart hog
Will never be a beauty.
But if you tease her hoglets,
Those tusks will shake your booty!
SARAH: Just a tad
bit forced. I like the bumpy, lumpy
part, though.
TONY: I'm not sure
that booty really rhymes with beauty.
Another ref might have a different opinion.
SIMON: There's
something about this poem….but I'm not sure what it is. Next!
MRS. GORDON: Next
we have Gabriella Montez.
GABRIELLA: My dog
has got a bone
But likes to use my phone.
Don't be shocked
But he's unlocked
The keypad on his own.
SARAH: That was
great! Unexpectedly delightful!
TONY: You just may
have scored a field goal with that one.
SIMON: I'm going
to make this brief. Brilliant. Next.
MRS. GORDON: Next
is Patrick Starfish.
PATRICK: Rainbow
fish, rainbow sky,
Rainbow birds, rainbow pie.
I really wish I could catch a fish.
Let's go eat cake beside the lake.
SARAH: Nice try,
but I think you need to keep working on that one.
TONY: Fumble. Reeeeeeally bad fumble.
SIMON: I really
wish you had forgotten the words, because it was such a pointless
performance. Next!
MRS. GORDON: Next
we have Napoleon Dynamite.
NAPOLEON: The
liger, the liger
Is only half tiger
The other half is lion
And I'm not lyin'.
SARAH: Uh, what
can I say?
TONY: You're gonna
have ups and downs in this game.
SIMON: That poem
actually gave me a headache. Next,
please.
MRS. GORDON: Our
last poet is Hannah Montana.
SIMON: Even her
name is a poem.
HANNAH: (Spoken
with a strong beat so that the audience starts clapping in time.)
Miss Mandy Mouse cleans her wee little house
on this bloomin' fine spring day.
She sweeps each room with her pine needle broom
and her tail chases dust away.
When the tables and chairs and the beds and the stairs
are as tidy as they can be,
Miss Mandy will sit and drink a little bit
of her dandelion tea.
(Everyone applauds, even the judges.)
SARAH: What a
perfect little poem! You are quite the
performer!
TONY: I like your
passion for this poem.
SIMON: You're the
best tonight by a clear mile. (Everyone
cheers.)
MRS. GORDON: Well,
that ends our American Idyll. We want to
thank everyone for coming, especially our distinguished judges. (Everyone claps.) And to each of my students I'd like to say
that you are a poet, and I'll bet you didn't know it, even though your feet
show it, because they're Longfellows.
ALL: (Groaning)
Aw, Mrs. Gordon!
END
No comments:
Post a Comment