The Case of the Missing Werecat
Cast of Characters
Sarah-Jane Cooper (Three Cousins Detective Club)
Napoleon Dynamite
John Lawless (The Happiest Millionaire)
Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)
Puddleglum (Chronicles of Narnia)
Solembum (Eragon)
Scene 1 A street
in town. Enter SARAH-JANE and NAPOLEON.
SARAH-JANE: I
really, really need your help, Napoleon.
My cousins, Timothy and Titus, are out of town this weekend, so the
T.C.D.C. needs you.
NAPOLEON: What’s a
“teesy-deesy”? Is that like a Ninja
weapon or something?
SARAH-JANE: No,
no. It stands for Three Cousins
Detective Club. We solve mysteries.
NAPOLEON: But I
don’t have any good skills.
SARAH-JANE: What
do you mean?
NAPOLEON: You
know, like numchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills.
SARAH-JANE: Oh,
don’t worry, we’re just trying to find someone.
Or something.
NAPOLEON:
Who? Or what?
SARAH-JANE: A
werecat.
NAPOLEON: Is that
anything like a liger?
SARAH-JANE: What’s
a liger?
NAPOLEON: It’s
pretty much my favorite animal. It’s
like a lion and a tiger mixed. It’s bred
for its skills in magic.
SARAH-JANE: I
think a werecat is much more dangerous.
NAPOLEON: More
dangerous than a liger?
SARAH-JANE: Oh, yes. Plus they are rare and hard to find.
NAPOLEON: Then how
are we going to find it?
SARAH-JANE:
Him. His name is Solembum.
NAPOLEON: That’s a
dumb name.
SARAH-JANE:
(Shrugs) Well, it’s the one he’s got.
Are you with me, or not?
NAPOLEON: (Sighs) I’m with you.
SARAH-JANE:
Good! ‘Cause we need to get our
other helpers. (Enter JOHN) Here’s one now.
JOHN:
(Cheerfully) Top o’ the morning
to you!
SARAH-JANE:
Hello. Aren’t you John Lawless?
JOHN: ‘Tis little
ol’ me, as you can see.
SARAH-JANE: I’m
Sarah-Jane Cooper, and this Napoleon Dynamite.
JOHN: Quite an
explosive name, that is.
SARAH-JANE: We
need your help to solve a mystery.
JOHN: I love a
good mystery!
NAPOLEON: We’re
looking for a werecat. It’s like a liger
but more dangerous.
JOHN: Well, now,
that answers a whole slew of questions, don’t it?
SARAH-JANE: Will
you help us, or not?
JOHN:
(Shrugs) An Irishman nevers backs
down from a challenge. Besides, it’s me
day off.
SARAH-JANE: Oh,
good! Come on, we need to find one more
person.
(Enter Puddleglum, looking glum)
JOHN: Good morning
to you, sir.
PUDDLEGLUM: Looks
like rain before lunch if it doesn’t snow or hail first.
JOHN: Well, sir,
why so dull on such a bright morning?
PUDDLEGLUM: The
other Marsh-wiggles keep saying I’m too flighty. They say I need to learn that there’s more to
life than fricasseed frogs and eel pies.
How is that possible?
NAPOLEON: I’m
hungry, too. You ever eat any tots?
PUDDLEGLUM:
Tots? Do you bake them in a pie?
NAPOLEON: No. I just eat mine with ketchup. By the way, I like your sweet hat. I’m Napoleon.
PUDDLEGLUM:
Puddleglum’s my name. But it
doesn’t matter if you forget it. I can
always tell you again.
JOHN: May I see
your hand, sir? (PUDDLEGLUM holds up his
hand) Why, you have webbing like a
frog. Is something wrong?
PUDDLEGLUM:
(Looking annoyed) Nothing wrong
with me. Nothing frog with me. I’m a respectabiggle.
SARAH-JANE: Well,
I like you even if you seem to be a wet blanket. Will you help us find a werecat?
PUDDLEGLUM: Got
to start by finding it, have we? Not
allowed to start by looking for it, I suppose?
SARAH-JANE: Oh,
we’ll have to look for it first. And I
know just the man who can help us. Will
you come?
PUDDLEGLUM: Might
as well go as not. Might catch some
victuals while we’re at it, as long as we don’t faint with hunger first.
SARAH-JANE:
Great! We’ll make a great
team. Let’s go! (Enter SPARROW) Jack Sparrow!
Just the man I wanted to find.
SPARROW: Captain,
love. Captain Jack Sparrow.
NAPOLEON: I
thought we were looking for a werecat.
SARAH-JANE: We
are. But we need Captain Sparrow and his
boat.
SPARROW: Ship,
love. The Black Pearl is a ship.
SARAH-JANE: Aren’t
you going to Tortuga today?
SPARROW: Who wants
to know?
SARAH-JANE: I’m
Sarah-Jane Cooper. These are my friends,
and we’re looking for the werecat Solembum.
SPARROW: Solembum,
eh? What’s in it for me?
SARAH-JANE: I have
four dollars.
NAPOLEON: I could
get you some tots.
PUDDLEGLUM: If I
could catch some eels, I’d bake you a pie, but they take a mortal long time to
cook.
SPARROW: You call
that treasure?
JOHN: Not all
treasure is silver and gold, mate. You
look like a man who appreciates a good drink.
SPARROW: Rum?
JOHN: Better than
rum.
SPARROW: Can you
sail under the command of a pirate?
ALL: Yes.
SPARROW: Do you
have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of
danger and almost certain death?
ALL: Yes.
SPARROW:
Good. I can always use extra
hands. Let’s be on our way.
(Exit)
Scene 2 Deck of
the Black Pearl. Enter SARAH-JANE,
NAPOLEON, JOHN, and PUDDLEGLUM.
SARAH-JANE: We
need to review what we know about werecats.
NAPOLEON: I only
know about ligers.
JOHN: I’ve heard
o’ werewolves. Are they anything like
that?
PUDDLEGLUM: Well,
you can review what you know about werecats if you want, but I’m afraid very
little has ever been known about them.
SARAH-JANE: Can’t
they change their shape?
NAPOLEON: You
mean, like a shape-shifter? Sweet!
JOHN: Since a
werewolf changes from a man to a wolf, I assume a werecat changes from a man to
a cat.
PUDDLEGLUM: That’s
fairly obvious, though not as obvious as one might think.
SARAH-JANE: I’ve
been told that when Solembum changes from being a cat, he’s a boy with slanted
eyes and shaggy black hair, and he weaves a sprig of holly into his hair.
JOHN: Like that
young fellow there? (Points to SOLEMBUM
who is walking past.)
SARAH-JANE:
(Gasps) Excuse me, we’d like to
talk to you. (SOLEMBUM keeps walking.)
JOHN: Hello there,
young man with the holly black hair.
(SOLEMBUM turns around.)
SOLEMBUM: Are you
talking to me?
NAPOLEON: Do you
see anyone else with holly in their hair?
PUDDLEGLUM:
Perhaps you could tell us your name, unless you don’t care to tell us.
SOLEMBUM: I go by
many names.
JOHN: Just your
proper name, if you please.
SOLEMBUM: If you
are looking for my proper one, you will have to look elsewhere. However, you may call me Solembum.
NAPOLEON:
Yessssssss.
SARAH-JANE: I knew
it! We’ve been looking for you!
SOLEMBUM: There
was no need.
SARAH-JANE: But
are you all right? Angela has been
worried about you.
SOLEMBUM: I have
been visiting my sister. I am now
returning to Alagaesia.
PUDDLEGLUM: I hope
that’s not too close to Narnia.
NAPOLEON: What
kind of skills do you have?
SOLEMBUM: I catch
rats. (He changes into a cat.) Purrfectly.
(He walks away.)
NAPOLEON: Sweet!
(Enter SPARROW)
SPARROW: Lawless!
JOHN: Yes,
sir. You yelled, sir?
SPARROW: Why is
the rum gone?
JOHN: Do ye not
remember I had something better than rum?
SPARROW: But why
is the rum gone?
JOHN: Here, try me
Irish coffee.
SARAH-JANE: May I
have some, please?
JOHN: Sorry, me
girl, it’ll be a mocha latte for you.
NAPOLEON: Irish
coffee sounds retarded. I’d rather have
a coke.
PUDDLEGLUM: I
suppose you wouldn’t happen to have any eels just lying about.
SARAH-JANE:
Captain Sparrow, we have found our missing werecat with your crew.
JOHN: Have you
noticed a decrease in your rat population aboard ship?
SPARROW: Well, I
hadn’t really noticed, but that is a good thing. Fewer rats, fewer holes in my ship.
JOHN: For
Sarah-Jane to find the missing werecat and the Black Pearl become rat-free both
in the same person, that’s fortuosity!
NAPOLEON: Then all
our wildest dreams have come true.
SPARROW: I love a
happy ending! Drinks all around!
JOHN: No
shilly-shallyin’, no dilly-dallyin’, let’s ‘ave a drink on it now!
SARAH-JANE: Drink
up, me ‘earties, yo ho!
PUDDLEGLUM: And
really bad eggs.
THE END
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