Cast of Unlikely Characters
Captain Jack Sparrow
Sponge Bob Squarepants
Patrick the Starfish
Flower the Skunk
Sanka Coffie
Nacho Libre
Scarlett O’Hara
Melanie Wilkes
Holly Golightly
Alice Cullen
Bella Swan
Kip
Brom
Paul Blart
Buddy the Elf
Bob Wiley
Buddy Love/Julius Kelp
Professor Minerva McGonagall
Victoria (the vampire)
Scene: A deserted
island in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle.
The Black Pearl has capsized in a storm, leaving Sparrow and his three
mates stranded on a beach. Enter
SPARROW, SPONGE BOB, PATRICK, and FLOWER.
SPARROW: Unless
there’s a hidden cache of rum somewhere on this island, we may be here a while,
lads.
SPONGE BOB: Oh,
tartar sauce.
FLOWER: Gee whiz.
PATRICK: Who wants
to look for food and shelter?
SPONGE BOB: I do!
FLOWER: Me, too!
SPARROW: Why don’t
you do that while I stretch out me legs and ponder our situation. Savvy?
(Lays down and pulls hat over eyes.)
PATRICK: The inner
machinations of his mind are an enigma.
SPONGE BOB:
Huh? Is that the same as crazy?
FLOWER: Well….yes.
(They exit)
SPARROW: (Singing)
Yo, ho, yo, ho, a pirate’s life for me….
(Enter SANKA and NACHO)
NACHO: Look,
Sanka. A dead guy. Does that mean I have to do dead guy duty?
SANKA: (Nudges
SPARROW with foot) Hey, mon, ya dead?
SPARROW: Go away.
SANKA: Rise and
shine! It’s butt-whippin’ time!
NACHO: Whose butt?
SPARROW: (Draws
pistol) Yours unless you intend to
rescue me.
SANKA: Why would
you want to be rescued from paradise?
(Enter SCARLETT, MELANIE, HOLLY, ALICE, and BELLA)
SPARROW: (Jumping
up) I see what you mean, lads.
SCARLETT: Great
balls of fire! Who are you and how did
you get here?
SPARROW: (Kissing
her hand) Hello, darling.
SCARLETT: (Pulls
hand away) Don’t bother me, and don’t
call me darling.
MELANIE: Scarlett,
dear, don’t be too hard on the gentleman.
SCARLETT: That,
Melanie, is no gentleman.
SPARROW: Peas in a
pod, darling.
HOLLY: You can
call me darling. (Holds out hand)
SPARROW: (Kissing
her hand) It’s wonderful to meet you.
HOLLY: Did I tell
you how divinely and utterly happy I am?
SCARLETT: Fiddle-dee-dee,
Holly. You’ve just met the scoundrel.
SPARROW:
Scoundrel? I like the sound of
that.
MELANIE: Oh, I am
sure you’re not a scoundrel, Mr.---
SPARROW:
Captain. Captain Jack Sparrow.
BELLA: He’s not
just a scoundrel, he’s a pirate.
MELANIE: Oh, my!
BELLA: I’m not
afraid of him. You shouldn’t be, either.
ALICE: (Stepping
closer to SPARROW) Mmmm. He does smell good.
SPARROW: I’m sure
you do too, love. (Reaching for her
hand)
ALICE: Oh, I
wouldn’t do that if I were you.
SPARROW: (To
Sanka) Well, my dread-locked friend, you
are correct in saying this is paradise.
I wouldn’t mind being stranded here forever with these lovely
ladies. What is your name, governor?
SANKA: I am Sanka
Coffie. I am the best pushcart driver in
all of Jamaica!
SPARROW: So this
is Jamaica?
SANKA: No!
SCARLETT: And it’s
not Tara either.
HOLLY: Or
Tiffany’s. I’m just CRAZY about
Tiffany’s!
BELLA: We can’t
say there’s zero weirdness here.
ALICE: Shh! (Closing eyes)
BELLA: What is it?
What do you see?
ALICE: More
weirdness approaching. And her.
(Enter KIP, BROM, PAUL BLART, BUDDY, and BOB)
BOB: Baby steps to
the beach. I’m on the beach.
BUDDY: I passed
through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly,
twirly gum drops, and then I walked through those palm trees over there.
BROM: Well then,
perhaps I’ve underestimated you.
KIP: I can’t
possibly live without my computer. How
am I supposed to chat with babes?
PAUL: Peanut Blart
and jelly! There’s a whole herd of babes
standing right there!
NACHO: (To
SPARROW) Those guys are a bunch of
wussies, eh?
BUDDY: (Sniffing
at SANKA) You smell like beef and
cheese, you don’t smell like Santa.
SANKA: I am Sanka,
not Santa.
KIP: And I’m
training to be a cage fighter, in case you babes hadn’t noticed. (Flexes muscle)
HOLLY: You’re just
gruesome.
BUDDY: (To
HOLLY) I’m Buddy the Elf. What’s your favorite color?
HOLLY: Not reds or
blues.
MELANIE: Why not?
HOLLY: The blues
are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know
what you’re afraid of? Do you ever get
that feeling?
ALICE: That just
means that Victoria is getting closer.
PAUL: Who’s
Victoria? I’ll headbutt her!
ALICE: Victoria is
a very dangerous—
BELLA: Say
it. Say it out loud.
ALICE: Vampire.
SPARROW: I think
I’m having a bad dream.
KIP: Don’t
worry. I’m sure there’s a babe out there
for you. Peace out.
(Enter BUDDY LOVE)
LOVE: Hiya,
chickie babies! I thought I’d visit your
beach. Cute. Cute sand.
SPARROW: You seem
somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you
before?
LOVE: Not me. But maybe you’ve had a run-in with that
little twerp, Professor Julius Kelp.
BUDDY: Does
somebody need a hug?
LOVE: You look
like a nice kid, but no. Crazy. Who are you, anyway?
BUDDY: I’m a
cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
MELANIE: Don’t say
that about yourself.
LOVE: (Struts over
to MELANIE) I know what you’re
thinking: Where’s he been all my
life? Right?
MELANIE: I don’t
believe so, sir.
SCARLETT:
Fiddle-dee-dee, Melly. Don’t you
know a flirt when you see one?
LOVE: (To
SCARLETT) Well, honey, I always say, if
you’re good and you know it, why waste time beating around the bush, true?
SCARLETT: (To
MELANIE) Ooh, if I just wasn’t a lady,
WHAT wouldn’t I tell that varmint.
HOLLY: (To
LOVE) She’s a model, believe it or not,
and a thumping bore.
BOB: This reminds
me of my favorite poem, which is, “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a
schizophrenic…and so am I!”
BUDDY: Sounds like
somebody needs to sing a Christmas carol.
The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.
KIP: I don’t know
any Christmas carols, but I wrote a great song that goes like this. (singing) “I love technology, but not as much
as you, you see…”
LOVE: Did anyone
ever tell you you couldn’t sing?
NACHO: I have a
better one. (singing) I ate some bugs, I
ate some grass—
SPARROW: You don’t
want to be doing that, mate.
SANKA: You are all
club-toting, raw-meat-eating, Me-Tarzan-You-Jane-ing, big bald bubbleheads that
can only count to ten if you’re barefoot or wearing sandals!
BELLA: These mood
swings are kinda giving me whiplash!
ALICE: Shh! Someone’s coming.
(Enter Professor Minerva McGONAGALL)
McGONAGALL: (To
ALICE) What are you doing here with all
these Muggles?
ALICE: I know, I
know.
McGONAGALL: You
can’t possibly protect them by yourself.
MELANIE: Protect
us from whom?
ALICE: Someone
deadly.
BELLA: A vampire.
HOLLY: It’s useful
being top banana in the shock department.
BOB: (To
McGONAGALL) Hi, I’m Bob. Would you knock me out, please? Just hit me in the face.
PAUL BLART: I’ll
headbutt the vampire.
ALICE: She’d tear
off your head before you could do that.
BROM: She?
BELLA: Her name is
Victoria.
MELANIE: Oh! Whatever shall we do?
SANKA: You want to
kiss my egg?
NACHO: In order
for you to become empowered by the eagle, you must climb a cliff, find the egg,
crack it open, and then eat the yolk.
BUDDY: We elves
try to stick to the four main food groups:
candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.
KIP: Does that
give you special powers against vampires?
BOB: With this
kind of manic episode, I would think Librium might be a more effective
management tool.
ALICE: Librium
won’t stop Victoria.
SPARROW: Does
anyone have a weapon?
PAUL BLART:
Weapons aren’t safe. And safety
never takes a holiday.
BELLA: Neither
does Victoria.
SANKA: It’s
butt-whippin’ time! You dig where I’m
coming from?
BROM: That’s the
spirit—one part brave, three parts fool.
SPARROW: All of
you! Do you have the courage and
fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost
certain death?
ALL: Aye, Captain!
McGONAGALL: Do
you, perhaps, need a map?
SPARROW: Thank
you, but I have my compass.
McGONAGALL: You’ll
need more than a compass if you wish to live another day.
KIP: I have
skills.
BROM: Right, then,
let’s see these skills of yours.
KIP: I need a cage
to demonstrate my cage fighting skills.
HOLLY: I’ll never
let ANYBODY put me in a cage.
PAUL BLART:
(talking to himself) What are you trained to do? Nothing!
NACHO: I have the
desire to wrestle, but I am such a stinky warrior.
BOB: Snot face! Belch breath!
MELANIE: Why did
you call him that?
BOB: I think I
have Turrette’s.
McGONAGALL:
(sighs) Ms. Cullen, I believe it
will be up to us to save this babbling, bumbling band of baboons. (transfigures into a cat) Mraow!
(Exits)
SPARROW: Amazing!
HOLLY: She’s all
right. Aren’t you, cat? Poor cat!
Poor slob! Poor slob without a
name!
ALICE: Captain
Sparrow, come with me. Everyone else,
wait here.
SPARROW: Do us a
favor. I know it’s difficult for you,
but please, stay here and try not to do anything…stupid.
(ALICE and SPARROW exit)
BUDDY: I just like
to smile. Smiling’s my favorite.
LOVE: (Hands a
handkerchief to SCARLETT) Here y’are,
baby. Take this, wipe the lipstick off,
slide over here next to me, and let’s get started.
SCARLETT: If I
said I was madly in love with you, you’d know I was lying.
MELANIE: I believe
the gentleman is more in love with himself than with anyone else.
(Enter SPONGE BOB, PATRICK, and FLOWER)
PATRICK: Where’s
the captain?
BELLA: He went
with Alice and Professor McGonagall to stop Victoria.
FLOWER: Who’s
that?
BELLA: A vampire.
SPONGE BOB: Oh,
tartar sauce!
(Enter VICTORIA)
BELLA: Speak of
the devil….
VICTORIA: Close,
Bella. Very close.
BUDDY: (To
VICTORIA) I think you’re really
beautiful. I feel really warm, and my
tongue is swelling up.
VICTORIA: I get
that reaction a lot.
SANKA: Greetings,
vampire god. Uh, goddess.
NACHO: I am
probably going to die.
PAUL BLART:
(talking to himself) When are you gonna give up, Blart?
LOVE: (To
VICTORIA) Hiya, chicky baby. You’re here to see me, right?
VICTORIA: I’ve
waited all my life for someone like you.
KIP:
(Singing) “Sure the worldwide web
is great, but you, you make me salivate….”
VICTORIA: But I’ll
take care of you first. (Grabs KIP by
the neck)
KIP: Let go of
me! I think you’re bruising my neck
meat!
PATRICK: Who’s a
big, yellow cube with holes?
SPONGE BOB: I am!
FLOWER: He is!
PATRICK: Who’s
ready?
SPONGE BOB: I’m
ready!
FLOWER: Me, too!
PATRICK: Who wants
to save the world?
SPONGE BOB: I do!
FLOWER: I do!
(They attack VICTORIA)
BROM: Take care of
the little bones. Hate to see you choke.
(Enter ALICE, McGONAGALL, and SPARROW)
ALICE: I’ll take
it from here, boys. (Exits with VICTORIA)
SPONGE BOB: Oh,
tartar sauce!
FLOWER: We were
just getting started! I hadn’t even
sprayed her yet.
PATRICK: I’m glad
about that.
NACHO: Pretty
exciting, huh? (holds up hands to SPONGE BOB, PATRICK, and FLOWER) High five!
BUDDY: (burps) Did you hear that?
HOLLY: Tough
beans, buddy, ‘cause that’s the way it is.
MELANIE: Thank
heavens the vampire is taken care of.
SANKA: Feel the
rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, it’s bobsled time. COOL RUNNINGS!
BOB: Baby steps to
bobsled. I’m Bob, and I sled.
BROM: I always
say, better ask forgiveness than permission.
KIP: That’s true,
that’s true.
SCARLETT:
Fiddle-dee-dee. I’m so bored I
could scream. (turns to leave)
LOVE: Just a
minute, sweetheart. I don’t recall
dismissing you.
FLOWER: I think
he’s twitterpated with himself.
McGONAGALL:
(transfigures into her human self)
If we were at Hogwarts, I’d give you 50 demerits for being so
self-absorbed, Mr. Love. But since we’re
not…. (changes LOVE into Professor Julius Kelp)
KELP: Well,
actually, this is my real self. I’m
sorry, ladies, if I embarrassed you in any way.
SCARLETT: (puts
her arm through Kelp’s) After all,
tomorrow is another day.
McGONAGALL: (to
BELLA) Inside every girl is a swan,
waiting to burst out in flight.
BELLA: I’m glad I
amuse you.
SPARROW: There’ll
be no living with her after this.
SPONGE BOB: We’re
gonna party ‘til we’re purple!
PATRICK: Yay! I love being purple!
FLOWER: I think
I’d like to stay black and white, if it’s all the same with you.
The End :)
No comments:
Post a Comment