The Case of the Missing Werecat
Cast of Characters
Sarah-Jane Cooper (Three Cousins Detective Club)
John Lawless (The Happiest Millionaire)
Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)
Puddleglum (Chronicles of Narnia)
Scene 1 A street in town. Enter SARAH-JANE and NAPOLEON.
SARAH-JANE: I really, really need your help, Napoleon. My cousins, Timothy and Titus, are out of town this weekend, so the T.C.D.C. needs you.
NAPOLEON: What’s a “teesy-deesy”? Is that like a Ninja weapon or something?
SARAH-JANE: No, no. It stands for Three Cousins Detective Club. We solve mysteries.
NAPOLEON: But I don’t have any good skills.
SARAH-JANE: What do you mean?
NAPOLEON: You know, like numchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills.
SARAH-JANE: Oh, don’t worry, we’re just trying to find someone. Or something.
NAPOLEON: Who? Or what?
SARAH-JANE: A werecat.
NAPOLEON: Is that anything like a liger?
SARAH-JANE: What’s a liger?
NAPOLEON: It’s pretty much my favorite animal. It’s like a lion and a tiger mixed. It’s bred for its skills in magic.
SARAH-JANE: I think a werecat is much more dangerous.
NAPOLEON: More dangerous than a liger?
SARAH-JANE: Oh, yes. Plus they are rare and hard to find.
NAPOLEON: Then how are we going to find it?
SARAH-JANE: Him. His name is Solembum.
NAPOLEON: That’s a dumb name.
SARAH-JANE: (Shrugs) Well, it’s the one he’s got. Are you with me, or not?
NAPOLEON: (Sighs) I’m with you.
SARAH-JANE: Good! ‘Cause we need to get our other helpers. (Enter JOHN) Here’s one now.
JOHN: (Cheerfully) Top o’ the morning to you!
SARAH-JANE: Hello. Aren’t you John Lawless?
JOHN: ‘Tis little ol’ me, as you can see.
SARAH-JANE: I’m Sarah-Jane Cooper, and this Napoleon Dynamite.
JOHN: Quite an explosive name, that is.
SARAH-JANE: We need your help to solve a mystery.
JOHN: I love a good mystery!
NAPOLEON: We’re looking for a werecat. It’s like a liger but more dangerous.
JOHN: Well, now, that answers a whole slew of questions, don’t it?
SARAH-JANE: Will you help us, or not?
JOHN: (Shrugs) An Irishman nevers backs down from a challenge. Besides, it’s me day off.
SARAH-JANE: Oh, good! Come on, we need to find one more person.
(Enter Puddleglum, looking glum)
JOHN: Good morning to you, sir.
PUDDLEGLUM: Looks like rain before lunch if it doesn’t snow or hail first.
JOHN: Well, sir, why so dull on such a bright morning?
PUDDLEGLUM: The other Marsh-wiggles keep saying I’m too flighty. They say I need to learn that there’s more to life than fricasseed frogs and eel pies. How is that possible?
NAPOLEON: I’m hungry, too. You ever eat any tots?
PUDDLEGLUM: Tots? Do you bake them in a pie?
NAPOLEON: No. I just eat mine with ketchup. By the way, I like your sweet hat. I’m Napoleon.
PUDDLEGLUM: Puddleglum’s my name. But it doesn’t matter if you forget it. I can always tell you again.
JOHN: May I see your hand, sir? (PUDDLEGLUM holds up his hand) Why, you have webbing like a frog. Is something wrong?
PUDDLEGLUM: (Looking annoyed) Nothing wrong with me. Nothing frog with me. I’m a respectabiggle.
SARAH-JANE: Well, I like you even if you seem to be a wet blanket. Will you help us find a werecat?
PUDDLEGLUM: Got to start by finding it, have we? Not allowed to start by looking for it, I suppose?
SARAH-JANE: Oh, we’ll have to look for it first. And I know just the man who can help us. Will you come?
PUDDLEGLUM: Might as well go as not. Might catch some victuals while we’re at it, as long as we don’t faint with hunger first.
SARAH-JANE: Great! We’ll make a great team. Let’s go! (Enter SPARROW) Jack Sparrow! Just the man I wanted to find.
SPARROW: Captain, love. Captain Jack Sparrow.
NAPOLEON: I thought we were looking for a werecat.
SARAH-JANE: We are. But we need Captain Sparrow and his boat.
SPARROW: Ship, love. The Black Pearl is a ship.
SARAH-JANE: Aren’t you going to Tortuga today?
SPARROW: Who wants to know?
SARAH-JANE: I’m Sarah-Jane Cooper. These are my friends, and we’re looking for the werecat Solembum.
SPARROW: Solembum, eh? What’s in it for me?
SARAH-JANE: I have four dollars.
NAPOLEON: I could get you some tots.
PUDDLEGLUM: If I could catch some eels, I’d bake you a pie, but they take a mortal long time to cook.
SPARROW: You call that treasure?
JOHN: Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate. You look like a man who appreciates a good drink.
JOHN: Better than rum.
SPARROW: Can you sail under the command of a pirate?
SPARROW: Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death?
SPARROW: Good. I can always use extra hands. Let’s be on our way.
Scene 2 Deck of the Black Pearl. Enter SARAH-JANE, NAPOLEON, JOHN, and PUDDLEGLUM.
SARAH-JANE: We need to review what we know about werecats.
NAPOLEON: I only know about ligers.
JOHN: I’ve heard o’ werewolves. Are they anything like that?
PUDDLEGLUM: Well, you can review what you know about werecats if you want, but I’m afraid very little has ever been known about them.
SARAH-JANE: Can’t they change their shape?
NAPOLEON: You mean, like a shape-shifter? Sweet!
JOHN: Since a werewolf changes from a man to a wolf, I assume a werecat changes from a man to a cat.
PUDDLEGLUM: That’s fairly obvious, though not as obvious as one might think.
SARAH-JANE: I’ve been told that when Solembum changes from being a cat, he’s a boy with slanted eyes and shaggy black hair, and he weaves a sprig of holly into his hair.
JOHN: Like that young fellow there? (Points to SOLEMBUM who is walking past.)
SARAH-JANE: (Gasps) Excuse me, we’d like to talk to you. (SOLEMBUM keeps walking.)
JOHN: Hello there, young man with the holly black hair. (SOLEMBUM turns around.)
SOLEMBUM: Are you talking to me?
NAPOLEON: Do you see anyone else with holly in their hair?
PUDDLEGLUM: Perhaps you could tell us your name, unless you don’t care to tell us.
SOLEMBUM: I go by many names.
JOHN: Just your proper name, if you please.
SOLEMBUM: If you are looking for my proper one, you will have to look elsewhere. However, you may call me Solembum.
SARAH-JANE: I knew it! We’ve been looking for you!
SOLEMBUM: There was no need.
SARAH-JANE: But are you all right? Angela has been worried about you.
SOLEMBUM: I have been visiting my sister. I am now returning to Alagaesia.
PUDDLEGLUM: I hope that’s not too close to Narnia.
NAPOLEON: What kind of skills do you have?
SOLEMBUM: I catch rats. (He changes into a cat.) Purrfectly. (He walks away.)
JOHN: Yes, sir. You yelled, sir?
SPARROW: Why is the rum gone?
JOHN: Do ye not remember I had something better than rum?
SPARROW: But why is the rum gone?
JOHN: Here, try me Irish coffee.
SARAH-JANE: May I have some, please?
JOHN: Sorry, me girl, it’ll be a mocha latte for you.
NAPOLEON: Irish coffee sounds retarded. I’d rather have a coke.
PUDDLEGLUM: I suppose you wouldn’t happen to have any eels just lying about.
SARAH-JANE: Captain Sparrow, we have found our missing werecat with your crew.
JOHN: Have you noticed a decrease in your rat population aboard ship?
SPARROW: Well, I hadn’t really noticed, but that is a good thing. Fewer rats, fewer holes in my ship.
JOHN: For Sarah-Jane to find the missing werecat and the Black Pearl become rat-free both in the same person, that’s fortuosity!
NAPOLEON: Then all our wildest dreams have come true.
SPARROW: I love a happy ending! Drinks all around!
JOHN: No shilly-shallyin’, no dilly-dallyin’, let’s ‘ave a drink on it now!
SARAH-JANE: Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho!
PUDDLEGLUM: And really bad eggs.