Professor Julius Kelp
Uncle Max Detweiler
Scene: Beach on a deserted island. FORREST GUMP is sitting on a stump holding a volleyball.
GUMP: It’s such a nice day, Wilson. Something is bound to happen. Like Mama always said, “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
(Enter UNCLE MAX, stumbling a little)
MAX: (Rubbing his eyes) How? Where?
GUMP: My name’s Forrest. Forrest Gump. What’s yours?
MAX: Uh, Max. You may call me Uncle Max. I think. Where am I and how did I get here?
GUMP: Well, I don’t know myself, so we might as well get comfortable and sit a spell.
MAX: (Sitting) How long have you been here?
GUMP: I don’t rightly know. If Wilson could talk, he could probably tell you.
MAX: Who’s Wilson?
GUMP: (Holds up ball) This here’s Wilson. Says his name right here. (points to ball)
MAX: (Nods with a worried smile) If you say so, Forrest. What is there to eat around here?
GUMP: (Shrugs) The ocean’s full of fish. And shrimp. Wish I could catch me a shrimp.
(Enter SUSAN and EDMUND, looking disoriented)
EDMUND: This isn’t Narnia.
SUSAN: That’s a brilliant deduction.
GUMP: You’re not from around here, are you?
SUSAN: No, sir. But exactly where is “here”?
GUMP: I don’t know. But my name’s Forrest. Forrest Gump. And this here’s Uncle Max.
MAX: Max Dettweiler. Pleased to make your acquaintance.
SUSAN: Susan Pevensey, and this is my brother, Ed.
EDMUND: (Glaring at Susan) Edmund, if you don’t mind.
MAX: You don’t by chance have any more siblings? And sing together?
SUSAN: We have another brother, Peter, and a sister, Lucy. They were right behind us in the wardrobe. I can’t understand where they could have gone.
EDMUND: But we don’t sing. Not very well, at least.
MAX: Are you still in school?
EDMUND: Only when we’re in England. I’m King Edmund the Just when we’re in Narnia.
MAX: I beg your pardon?
SUSAN: And I’m Queen Susan the Gentle. But only in Narnia.
(Enter PROFESSOR JULIUS KELP and PIPPIN TOOK, looking like they always do: clueless)
KELP: Excuse me but I found this little fellow here and need to get him back to his parents.
PIPPIN: I’m not a child! I’m a Hobbit.
EDMUND: (Aside to Susan) Look at his feet! They’re huge and they’re hairy.
SUSAN: It’s not polite to talk about others like that, Ed.
GUMP: Hi. My name’s Forrest. Forrest Gump. Who are you?
KELP: I’m Julius Kelp. Professor Julius Kelp. Actually, I don’t know who this little fellow is, he hasn’t said much.
PIPPIN: I’m Pippin. I need to get back to the Shire. It’s past time for elevenses.
GUMP: What’s elevenses?
PIPPIN: I’d just had first and second breakfast and hadn’t got my elevenses yet.
GUMP: First AND second breakfast?
PIPPIN: That’s not all. After elevenses is luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, and supper.
MAX: You eat that often every day?
PIPPIN: Well, of course. Don’t you?
MAX: Certainly not. I’d not be able to fasten my clothes if I ate that much.
GUMP: Where do you put all that food? You’re such a little fellow.
PIPPIN: (Folds arms and frowns) If you’re going to keep insulting me, the least you can do is find me some pipeweed.
GUMP: There’s some seaweed over there.
MAX: I’d like to see him put that in his pipe and smoke it.
KELP: Well actually you’d have to cure the seaweed and process it before it would work well in a pipe and even then it would smell pretty fishy I think. I know a little about kelp, after all.
(Enter JACK DAWSON and MURTAGH, looking wary)
JACK: Wow! How did I get here?
MURTAGH: Where is here?
GUMP: Hi. My name’s Forrest. Forrest Gump.
JACK: Jack Dawson. I was treading water near the sinking Titanic and so frozen I couldn’t feel a thing. (Looking around) Now this is paradise!
MURTAGH: I would call it something other than paradise. Especially since I know none of you and have no idea where I am.
KELP: Well, actually, I think I may have figured that one out. Judging by the latitude and the direction of the equatorial breezes and the alignment of the solar plexus I think this is, ah, the Kapingamarangi Atoll.
MAX: Where on Earth is that?
KELP: About 600 miles northeast of New Guinea. As, uh, the seagull flies.
PIPPIN: How far is that from the Shire?
EDMUND: Are we anywhere close to Narnia?
KELP: Is that in the Pacific Ocean? Because, actually, that’s where we are.
MURTAGH: Has anyone explored this island to see if there is a way off?
GUMP: I ran all around it. It’s just a little bitty island, but it has a pretty beach.
JACK: It has a great beach.
MURTAGH: If only Thorn were here, we could all fly away.
SUSAN: Who is Thorn?
MURTAGH: My dragon.
EDMUND: You have a real dragon?
MURTAGH: Yes. I am a dragonrider.
EDMUND: Capital! Does it fly? Does it breathe fire? What does it eat?
SUSAN: Not now, Ed.
EDMUND: Yes, Mum! (Sticks out his tongue at Susan)
PIPPIN: I don’t really care what the dragon eats, as long as it isn’t Hobbits. What I’d like to know is what are WE going to eat?
JACK: We can make a net and catch some fish.
GUMP: We might even catch some shrimp.
MAX: Wouldn’t it be more profitable if we worked together to get off this island?
MURTAGH: My thought exactly. I have important business elsewhere.
PIPPIN: I say we eat first so we’ll have the strength to rescue ourselves.
JACK: Why do you want to leave? It’s nice and warm here.
GUMP: My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on.
MAX: (To Murtagh) So, what do you have in mind to effect our escape?
MURTAGH: I’m going to look around and see if there’s any wood to make a raft.
GUMP: There’s 33 live palm trees and 52 dead ones.
MURTAGH: You counted them?
GUMP: No, Wilson did.
(Max and Murtagh look at one another and shrug)
KELP: I have been examining these palm fronds and, actually, they appear to be sturdy enough to make a net. Does anyone have a sharpened metal implement?
EDMUND: A what?
JACK: He means a knife. I have one in my pocket. (Hands it to Kelp)
KELP: (Sawing with the knife) It appears that this, ah, plant fiber is, ah, really sturdy. (Drops knife) Ouch!
SUSAN: What happened?
KELP: The knife slipped.
SUSAN: Are you hurt?
KELP: Well, if a man with an ulcer and a splinter in his finger and a nail in his foot was then struck by lightning, if you could say that man was hurt then yes you could say I'm hurt.
SUSAN: If only Lucy were here, she could use her cordial and heal your finger.
GUMP: When I cut my finger I just wrap it up ‘til it stops bleeding.
KELP: Thank you very much, young man. But fortunately there is something here even better for cuts.
KELP: Salt water.
SUSAN: Look, Professor. There’s something moving on the sand.
GUMP: There are lots of those mud bugs.
JACK: Those aren’t bugs, they’re crabs.
PIPPIN: Are they good to eat?
JACK: The best.
EDMUND: I’ll get one.
SUSAN: No, Ed. It could be dangerous.
MURTAGH: Do not take chances.
KELP: Well, don’t just do something. Sit there.
GUMP: Here, use a rock. (Hands one to Edmund)
EDMUND: Thanks. (Hits the “crab”) I got it! (Picks it up) Ewww.
SUSAN: That does not look edible.
MAX: It’s so, so, pink.
JACK: We have no way to cook it.
PIPPIN: I don’t think even a starving Hobbit could that eat that.
KELP: Well, actually, if we could focus the tropical sun’s rays in such a way as to create enough heat, we could, uh, cook this crab in its own shell.
PIPPIN: You mean, build an oven with rocks or something?
GUMP: Sometimes there’s just not enough rocks. This is one of those times.
SUSAN: (Shading her eyes) I’ve been watching that bird for the last few minutes, and it looks like it’s heading this way.
EDMUND: (Looking up) It’s enormous. What kind is it, Professor?
KELP: (Squinting) Well, ah, in this part of the Pacific you can actually find very large albatrosses.
JACK: That’s no bird.
KELP: Well, actually, an albatross IS a bird.
MAX: Is it a plane? Not a German one, I hope.
MURTAGH: No, it’s Thorn, my dragon.
PIPPIN: Your dragon’s not hungry, is it?
MURTAGH: No. Thorn must have followed me. We can all get off this island now.
JACK: But I don’t want to go back to sure death. I’ll take my chances here.
SUSAN: All alone?
GUMP: He won’t be alone. Wilson will stay with him, won’t you, Wilson?
SUSAN: Well, Ed, as Aslan says, “Once a king or queen of Narnia…”
EDMUND: “Always a king or queen of Narnia.”
KELP: That definitely sounds better than “king or queen of the Kapingamarangi Atoll.”
JACK: You’re right. I’ll just be king of the world!
PIPPIN: Great! Where are we going?