Fun Friday: Cast Offs

Here's yet another "play" I wrote for writing students after asking each one to tell me who was their favorite fictional character (book or movie).  These are crazy fun to write but even more fun to watch the students as they "voice" their favorite character who is in a completely weird setting.

Cast Offs

Characters

Forrest Gump

Pippin Took

Professor Julius Kelp

Murtagh

Susan Pevensey

Edmund Pevensey

Uncle Max Detweiler

Jack Dawson

Scene:  Beach on a deserted island.  FORREST GUMP is sitting on a stump holding a volleyball.

GUMP:  It’s such a nice day, Wilson.  Something is bound to happen.  Like Mama always said, “Life is like a box of chocolates.  You never know what you’re gonna get.”

(Enter UNCLE MAX, stumbling a little)

MAX:  (Rubbing his eyes)  How?  Where?

GUMP:  My name’s Forrest.  Forrest Gump.  What’s yours?

MAX:  Uh, Max.  You may call me Uncle Max.  I think.  Where am I and how did I get here?

GUMP:  Well, I don’t know myself, so we might as well get comfortable and sit a spell.

MAX:  (Sitting)  How long have you been here?

GUMP:  I don’t rightly know.  If Wilson could talk, he could probably tell you.

MAX:  Who’s Wilson?

GUMP:  (Holds up ball)  This here’s Wilson.  Says his name right here. (points to ball)

MAX:  (Nods with a worried smile)  If you say so, Forrest.  What is there to eat around here?

GUMP:  (Shrugs)  The ocean’s full of fish.  And shrimp.  Wish I could catch me a shrimp.

(Enter SUSAN and EDMUND, looking disoriented)

EDMUND:  This isn’t Narnia.

SUSAN:  That’s a brilliant deduction.

GUMP:  You’re not from around here, are you?

SUSAN:  No, sir.  But exactly where is “here”?

GUMP:  I don’t know.  But my name’s Forrest.  Forrest Gump.  And this here’s Uncle Max.

MAX:  Max Dettweiler.  Pleased to make your acquaintance.

SUSAN:  Susan Pevensey, and this is my brother, Ed.

EDMUND:  (Glaring at Susan)  Edmund, if you don’t mind.

MAX:  You don’t by chance have any more siblings?  And sing together?

SUSAN:  We have another brother, Peter, and a sister, Lucy.  They were right behind us in the wardrobe.  I can’t understand where they could have gone.

EDMUND:  But we don’t sing.  Not very well, at least.

MAX:  Are you still in school?

EDMUND:  Only when we’re in England.  I’m King Edmund the Just when we’re in Narnia.

MAX:  I beg your pardon?

SUSAN:  And I’m Queen Susan the Gentle.  But only in Narnia.

(Enter PROFESSOR JULIUS KELP and PIPPIN TOOK, looking like they always do:  clueless)

KELP:  Excuse me but I found this little fellow here and need to get him back to his parents.

PIPPIN:  I’m not a child!  I’m a Hobbit.

EDMUND:  (Aside to Susan)  Look at his feet!  They’re huge and they’re hairy.

SUSAN:  It’s not polite to talk about others like that, Ed.

GUMP:  Hi.  My name’s Forrest.  Forrest Gump.  Who are you?

KELP:  I’m Julius Kelp.  Professor Julius Kelp.  Actually, I don’t know who this little fellow is, he hasn’t said much.

PIPPIN:  I’m Pippin.  I need to get back to the Shire.  It’s past time for elevenses.

GUMP:  What’s elevenses?

PIPPIN:  I’d just had first and second breakfast and hadn’t got my elevenses yet.

GUMP:  First AND second breakfast?

PIPPIN:  That’s not all.  After elevenses is luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, and supper.

MAX:  You eat that often every day?

PIPPIN:  Well, of course.  Don’t you?

MAX:  Certainly not.  I’d not be able to fasten my clothes if I ate that much.

GUMP:  Where do you put all that food?  You’re such a little fellow.

PIPPIN:  (Folds arms and frowns)  If you’re going to keep insulting me, the least you can do is find me some pipeweed.

GUMP:  There’s some seaweed over there.

MAX:  I’d like to see him put that in his pipe and smoke it.

KELP:  Well actually you’d have to cure the seaweed and process it before it would work well in a pipe and even then it would smell pretty fishy I think.  I know a little about kelp, after all.

(Enter JACK DAWSON and MURTAGH, looking wary)

JACK:  Wow!  How did I get here?

MURTAGH:  Where is here?

GUMP:  Hi.  My name’s Forrest.  Forrest Gump.

JACK:  Jack Dawson.  I was treading water near the sinking Titanic and so frozen I couldn’t feel a thing.  (Looking around)  Now this is paradise!

MURTAGH:  I would call it something other than paradise.  Especially since I know none of you and have no idea where I am.

KELP:  Well, actually, I think I may have figured that one out.  Judging by the latitude and the direction of the equatorial breezes and the alignment of the solar plexus I think this is, ah, the Kapingamarangi Atoll.

MAX:  Where on Earth is that?

KELP:  About 600 miles northeast of New Guinea.  As, uh, the seagull flies.

PIPPIN:  How far is that from the Shire?

EDMUND:  Are we anywhere close to Narnia?

KELP:  Is that in the Pacific Ocean?  Because, actually, that’s where we are.

MURTAGH:  Has anyone explored this island to see if there is a way off?

GUMP:  I ran all around it.  It’s just a little bitty island, but it has a pretty beach.

JACK:  It has a great beach.

MURTAGH:  If only Thorn were here, we could all fly away.

SUSAN:  Who is Thorn?

MURTAGH:  My dragon.

EDMUND:  You have a real dragon?

MURTAGH:  Yes.  I am a dragonrider.

EDMUND:  Capital!  Does it fly?  Does it breathe fire?  What does it eat?

SUSAN:  Not now, Ed.

EDMUND:  Yes, Mum! (Sticks out his tongue at Susan)

PIPPIN:  I don’t really care what the dragon eats, as long as it isn’t Hobbits.  What I’d like to know is what are WE going to eat?

JACK:  We can make a net and catch some fish.

GUMP:  We might even catch some shrimp.

MAX:  Wouldn’t it be more profitable if we worked together to get off this island?

MURTAGH:  My thought exactly.  I have important business elsewhere.

PIPPIN:  I say we eat first so we’ll have the strength to rescue ourselves.

JACK:  Why do you want to leave?  It’s nice and warm here.

GUMP:  My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on.

MAX:  (To Murtagh)  So, what do you have in mind to effect our escape?

MURTAGH:  I’m going to look around and see if there’s any wood to make a raft.

GUMP:  There’s 33 live palm trees and 52 dead ones.

MURTAGH:  You counted them?

GUMP:  No, Wilson did.

(Max and Murtagh look at one another and shrug)

KELP:  I have been examining these palm fronds and, actually, they appear to be sturdy enough to make a net.  Does anyone have a sharpened metal implement?

EDMUND:  A what?

JACK:  He means a knife.  I have one in my pocket.  (Hands it to Kelp)

KELP:  (Sawing with the knife)  It appears that this, ah, plant fiber is, ah, really sturdy.  (Drops knife)  Ouch!

SUSAN:  What happened?

KELP:  The knife slipped.

SUSAN:  Are you hurt?

KELP:  Well, if a man with an ulcer and a splinter in his finger and a nail in his foot was then struck by lightning, if you could say that man was hurt then yes you could say I'm hurt.

EDMUND:  Huh?

SUSAN:  If only Lucy were here, she could use her cordial and heal your finger.

GUMP:  When I cut my finger I just wrap it up ‘til it stops bleeding.

KELP:  Thank you very much, young man.  But fortunately there is something here even better for cuts.

EDMUND:  What?

KELP:  Salt water.

SUSAN:  Look, Professor.  There’s something moving on the sand.

GUMP:  There are lots of those mud bugs.

JACK:  Those aren’t bugs, they’re crabs.

PIPPIN:  Are they good to eat?

JACK:  The best.

EDMUND:  I’ll get one.

SUSAN:  No, Ed.  It could be dangerous.

MURTAGH:  Do not take chances.

KELP:  Well, don’t just do something.  Sit there.

GUMP:  Here, use a rock.  (Hands one to Edmund)

EDMUND:  Thanks.  (Hits the “crab”)  I got it!  (Picks it up)  Ewww.

SUSAN:  That does not look edible.

MAX:  It’s so, so, pink.

JACK:  We have no way to cook it.

PIPPIN:  I don’t think even a starving Hobbit could that eat that.

KELP:  Well, actually, if we could focus the tropical sun’s rays in such a way as to create enough heat, we could, uh, cook this crab in its own shell.

PIPPIN:  You mean, build an oven with rocks or something?

GUMP:  Sometimes there’s just not enough rocks.  This is one of those times.

SUSAN:  (Shading her eyes)  I’ve been watching that bird for the last few minutes, and it looks like it’s heading this way.

EDMUND:  (Looking up)  It’s enormous.  What kind is it, Professor?

KELP:  (Squinting)  Well, ah, in this part of the Pacific you can actually find very large albatrosses.

JACK:  That’s no bird.

KELP:  Well, actually, an albatross IS a bird.

MAX:  Is it a plane?  Not a German one, I hope.

MURTAGH:  No, it’s Thorn, my dragon.

PIPPIN:  Your dragon’s not hungry, is it?

MURTAGH:  No.  Thorn must have followed me.  We can all get off this island now.

JACK:  But I don’t want to go back to sure death.  I’ll take my chances here.

SUSAN:  All alone?

GUMP:  He won’t be alone.  Wilson will stay with him, won’t you, Wilson?

SUSAN:  Well, Ed, as Aslan says, “Once a king or queen of Narnia…”

EDMUND:  “Always a king or queen of Narnia.”

KELP:  That definitely sounds better than “king or queen of the Kapingamarangi Atoll.”

JACK:  You’re right.  I’ll just be king of the world!

PIPPIN:  Great!  Where are we going?

ALL:  Home!

THE END