Cast of Unlikely Characters
Captain Jack Sparrow
Sponge Bob Squarepants
Patrick the Starfish
Flower the Skunk
Buddy the Elf
Buddy Love/Julius Kelp
Professor Minerva McGonagall
Victoria (the vampire)
Scene: A deserted island in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. The Black Pearl has capsized in a storm, leaving Sparrow and his three mates stranded on a beach. Enter SPARROW, SPONGE BOB, PATRICK, and FLOWER.
SPARROW: Unless there’s a hidden cache of rum somewhere on this island, we may be here a while, lads.
SPONGE BOB: Oh, tartar sauce.
FLOWER: Gee whiz.
PATRICK: Who wants to look for food and shelter?
SPONGE BOB: I do!
FLOWER: Me, too!
SPARROW: Why don’t you do that while I stretch out me legs and ponder our situation. Savvy? (Lays down and pulls hat over eyes.)
PATRICK: The inner machinations of his mind are an enigma.
SPONGE BOB: Huh? Is that the same as crazy?
SPARROW: (Singing) Yo, ho, yo, ho, a pirate’s life for me….
(Enter SANKA and NACHO)
NACHO: Look, Sanka. A dead guy. Does that mean I have to do dead guy duty?
SANKA: (Nudges SPARROW with foot) Hey, mon, ya dead?
SPARROW: Go away.
SANKA: Rise and shine! It’s butt-whippin’ time!
NACHO: Whose butt?
SPARROW: (Draws pistol) Yours unless you intend to rescue me.
SANKA: Why would you want to be rescued from paradise?
(Enter SCARLETT, MELANIE, HOLLY, ALICE, and BELLA)
SPARROW: (Jumping up) I see what you mean, lads.
SCARLETT: Great balls of fire! Who are you and how did you get here?
SPARROW: (Kissing her hand) Hello, darling.
SCARLETT: (Pulls hand away) Don’t bother me, and don’t call me darling.
MELANIE: Scarlett, dear, don’t be too hard on the gentleman.
SCARLETT: That, Melanie, is no gentleman.
SPARROW: Peas in a pod, darling.
HOLLY: You can call me darling. (Holds out hand)
SPARROW: (Kissing her hand) It’s wonderful to meet you.
HOLLY: Did I tell you how divinely and utterly happy I am?
SCARLETT: Fiddle-dee-dee, Holly. You’ve just met the scoundrel.
SPARROW: Scoundrel? I like the sound of that.
MELANIE: Oh, I am sure you’re not a scoundrel, Mr.---
SPARROW: Captain. Captain Jack Sparrow.
BELLA: He’s not just a scoundrel, he’s a pirate.
MELANIE: Oh, my!
BELLA: I’m not afraid of him. You shouldn’t be, either.
ALICE: (Stepping closer to SPARROW) Mmmm. He does smell good.
SPARROW: I’m sure you do too, love. (Reaching for her hand)
ALICE: Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
SPARROW: (To Sanka) Well, my dread-locked friend, you are correct in saying this is paradise. I wouldn’t mind being stranded here forever with these lovely ladies. What is your name, governor?
SANKA: I am Sanka Coffie. I am the best pushcart driver in all of Jamaica!
SPARROW: So this is Jamaica?
SCARLETT: And it’s not Tara either.
HOLLY: Or Tiffany’s. I’m just CRAZY about Tiffany’s!
BELLA: We can’t say there’s zero weirdness here.
ALICE: Shh! (Closing eyes)
BELLA: What is it? What do you see?
ALICE: More weirdness approaching. And her.
(Enter KIP, BROM, PAUL BLART, BUDDY, and BOB)
BOB: Baby steps to the beach. I’m on the beach.
BUDDY: I passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly, twirly gum drops, and then I walked through those palm trees over there.
BROM: Well then, perhaps I’ve underestimated you.
KIP: I can’t possibly live without my computer. How am I supposed to chat with babes?
PAUL: Peanut Blart and jelly! There’s a whole herd of babes standing right there!
NACHO: (To SPARROW) Those guys are a bunch of wussies, eh?
BUDDY: (Sniffing at SANKA) You smell like beef and cheese, you don’t smell like Santa.
SANKA: I am Sanka, not Santa.
KIP: And I’m training to be a cage fighter, in case you babes hadn’t noticed. (Flexes muscle)
HOLLY: You’re just gruesome.
BUDDY: (To HOLLY) I’m Buddy the Elf. What’s your favorite color?
HOLLY: Not reds or blues.
MELANIE: Why not?
HOLLY: The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of? Do you ever get that feeling?
ALICE: That just means that Victoria is getting closer.
PAUL: Who’s Victoria? I’ll headbutt her!
ALICE: Victoria is a very dangerous—
BELLA: Say it. Say it out loud.
SPARROW: I think I’m having a bad dream.
KIP: Don’t worry. I’m sure there’s a babe out there for you. Peace out.
(Enter BUDDY LOVE)
LOVE: Hiya, chickie babies! I thought I’d visit your beach. Cute. Cute sand.
SPARROW: You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?
LOVE: Not me. But maybe you’ve had a run-in with that little twerp, Professor Julius Kelp.
BUDDY: Does somebody need a hug?
LOVE: You look like a nice kid, but no. Crazy. Who are you, anyway?
BUDDY: I’m a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
MELANIE: Don’t say that about yourself.
LOVE: (Struts over to MELANIE) I know what you’re thinking: Where’s he been all my life? Right?
MELANIE: I don’t believe so, sir.
SCARLETT: Fiddle-dee-dee, Melly. Don’t you know a flirt when you see one?
LOVE: (To SCARLETT) Well, honey, I always say, if you’re good and you know it, why waste time beating around the bush, true?
SCARLETT: (To MELANIE) Ooh, if I just wasn’t a lady, WHAT wouldn’t I tell that varmint.
HOLLY: (To LOVE) She’s a model, believe it or not, and a thumping bore.
BOB: This reminds me of my favorite poem, which is, “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic…and so am I!”
BUDDY: Sounds like somebody needs to sing a Christmas carol. The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.
KIP: I don’t know any Christmas carols, but I wrote a great song that goes like this. (singing) “I love technology, but not as much as you, you see…”
LOVE: Did anyone ever tell you you couldn’t sing?
NACHO: I have a better one. (singing) I ate some bugs, I ate some grass—
SPARROW: You don’t want to be doing that, mate.
SANKA: You are all club-toting, raw-meat-eating, Me-Tarzan-You-Jane-ing, big bald bubbleheads that can only count to ten if you’re barefoot or wearing sandals!
BELLA: These mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash!
ALICE: Shh! Someone’s coming.
(Enter Professor Minerva McGONAGALL)
McGONAGALL: (To ALICE) What are you doing here with all these Muggles?
ALICE: I know, I know.
McGONAGALL: You can’t possibly protect them by yourself.
MELANIE: Protect us from whom?
ALICE: Someone deadly.
BELLA: A vampire.
HOLLY: It’s useful being top banana in the shock department.
BOB: (To McGONAGALL) Hi, I’m Bob. Would you knock me out, please? Just hit me in the face.
PAUL BLART: I’ll headbutt the vampire.
ALICE: She’d tear off your head before you could do that.
BELLA: Her name is Victoria.
MELANIE: Oh! Whatever shall we do?
SANKA: You want to kiss my egg?
NACHO: In order for you to become empowered by the eagle, you must climb a cliff, find the egg, crack it open, and then eat the yolk.
BUDDY: We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.
KIP: Does that give you special powers against vampires?
BOB: With this kind of manic episode, I would think Librium might be a more effective management tool.
ALICE: Librium won’t stop Victoria.
SPARROW: Does anyone have a weapon?
PAUL BLART: Weapons aren’t safe. And safety never takes a holiday.
BELLA: Neither does Victoria.
SANKA: It’s butt-whippin’ time! You dig where I’m coming from?
BROM: That’s the spirit—one part brave, three parts fool.
SPARROW: All of you! Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death?
ALL: Aye, Captain!
McGONAGALL: Do you, perhaps, need a map?
SPARROW: Thank you, but I have my compass.
McGONAGALL: You’ll need more than a compass if you wish to live another day.
KIP: I have skills.
BROM: Right, then, let’s see these skills of yours.
KIP: I need a cage to demonstrate my cage fighting skills.
HOLLY: I’ll never let ANYBODY put me in a cage.
PAUL BLART: (talking to himself) What are you trained to do? Nothing!
NACHO: I have the desire to wrestle, but I am such a stinky warrior.
BOB: Snot face! Belch breath!
MELANIE: Why did you call him that?
BOB: I think I have Turrette’s.
McGONAGALL: (sighs) Ms. Cullen, I believe it will be up to us to save this babbling, bumbling band of baboons. (transfigures into a cat) Mraow! (Exits)
HOLLY: She’s all right. Aren’t you, cat? Poor cat! Poor slob! Poor slob without a name!
ALICE: Captain Sparrow, come with me. Everyone else, wait here.
SPARROW: Do us a favor. I know it’s difficult for you, but please, stay here and try not to do anything…stupid.
(ALICE and SPARROW exit)
BUDDY: I just like to smile. Smiling’s my favorite.
LOVE: (Hands a handkerchief to SCARLETT) Here y’are, baby. Take this, wipe the lipstick off, slide over here next to me, and let’s get started.
SCARLETT: If I said I was madly in love with you, you’d know I was lying.
MELANIE: I believe the gentleman is more in love with himself than with anyone else.
(Enter SPONGE BOB, PATRICK, and FLOWER)
PATRICK: Where’s the captain?
BELLA: He went with Alice and Professor McGonagall to stop Victoria.
FLOWER: Who’s that?
BELLA: A vampire.
SPONGE BOB: Oh, tartar sauce!
BELLA: Speak of the devil….
VICTORIA: Close, Bella. Very close.
BUDDY: (To VICTORIA) I think you’re really beautiful. I feel really warm, and my tongue is swelling up.
VICTORIA: I get that reaction a lot.
SANKA: Greetings, vampire god. Uh, goddess.
NACHO: I am probably going to die.
PAUL BLART: (talking to himself) When are you gonna give up, Blart?
LOVE: (To VICTORIA) Hiya, chicky baby. You’re here to see me, right?
VICTORIA: I’ve waited all my life for someone like you.
KIP: (Singing) “Sure the worldwide web is great, but you, you make me salivate….”
VICTORIA: But I’ll take care of you first. (Grabs KIP by the neck)
KIP: Let go of me! I think you’re bruising my neck meat!
PATRICK: Who’s a big, yellow cube with holes?
SPONGE BOB: I am!
FLOWER: He is!
PATRICK: Who’s ready?
SPONGE BOB: I’m ready!
FLOWER: Me, too!
PATRICK: Who wants to save the world?
SPONGE BOB: I do!
FLOWER: I do!
(They attack VICTORIA)
BROM: Take care of the little bones. Hate to see you choke.
(Enter ALICE, McGONAGALL, and SPARROW)
ALICE: I’ll take it from here, boys. (Exits with VICTORIA)
SPONGE BOB: Oh, tartar sauce!
FLOWER: We were just getting started! I hadn’t even sprayed her yet.
PATRICK: I’m glad about that.
NACHO: Pretty exciting, huh? (holds up hands to SPONGE BOB, PATRICK, and FLOWER) High five!
BUDDY: (burps) Did you hear that?
HOLLY: Tough beans, buddy, ‘cause that’s the way it is.
MELANIE: Thank heavens the vampire is taken care of.
SANKA: Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, it’s bobsled time. COOL RUNNINGS!
BOB: Baby steps to bobsled. I’m Bob, and I sled.
BROM: I always say, better ask forgiveness than permission.
KIP: That’s true, that’s true.
SCARLETT: Fiddle-dee-dee. I’m so bored I could scream. (turns to leave)
LOVE: Just a minute, sweetheart. I don’t recall dismissing you.
FLOWER: I think he’s twitterpated with himself.
McGONAGALL: (transfigures into her human self) If we were at Hogwarts, I’d give you 50 demerits for being so self-absorbed, Mr. Love. But since we’re not…. (changes LOVE into Professor Julius Kelp)
KELP: Well, actually, this is my real self. I’m sorry, ladies, if I embarrassed you in any way.
SCARLETT: (puts her arm through Kelp’s) After all, tomorrow is another day.
McGONAGALL: (to BELLA) Inside every girl is a swan, waiting to burst out in flight.
BELLA: I’m glad I amuse you.
SPARROW: There’ll be no living with her after this.
SPONGE BOB: We’re gonna party ‘til we’re purple!
PATRICK: Yay! I love being purple!
FLOWER: I think I’d like to stay black and white, if it’s all the same with you.
The End :)