Friday, December 27, 2013

Fun Friday: The Case of the Missing Werecat

This is the last of my "plays" written for students in my writing classes. This was the smallest class I taught but an interesting collection of favorite fictional characters. I can tell by reading through these plays that they were written when the Pirates of the Caribbean was so popular, since Captain Jack Sparrow appears in most of them!

The Case of the Missing Werecat
Cast of Characters

Sarah-Jane Cooper (Three Cousins Detective Club)
Napoleon Dynamite
John Lawless (The Happiest Millionaire)
Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)
Puddleglum (Chronicles of Narnia)
Solembum (Eragon)

Scene 1   A street in town.  Enter SARAH-JANE  and NAPOLEON.

SARAH-JANE:  I really, really need your help, Napoleon.  My cousins, Timothy and Titus, are out of town this weekend, so the T.C.D.C. needs you.

NAPOLEON:  What’s a “teesy-deesy”?  Is that like a Ninja weapon or something?

SARAH-JANE:  No, no.  It stands for Three Cousins Detective Club.  We solve mysteries.

NAPOLEON:  But I don’t have any good skills.

SARAH-JANE:  What do you mean?

NAPOLEON:  You know, like numchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills.

SARAH-JANE:  Oh, don’t worry, we’re just trying to find someone.  Or something.

NAPOLEON:  Who?  Or what?

SARAH-JANE:  A werecat.

NAPOLEON:  Is that anything like a liger?

SARAH-JANE:  What’s a liger?

NAPOLEON:  It’s pretty much my favorite animal.  It’s like a lion and a tiger mixed.  It’s bred for its skills in magic.

SARAH-JANE:  I think a werecat is much more dangerous.

NAPOLEON:  More dangerous than a liger?

SARAH-JANE:  Oh, yes.  Plus they are rare and hard to find.

NAPOLEON:  Then how are we going to find it?

SARAH-JANE:  Him.  His name is Solembum.

NAPOLEON:  That’s a dumb name.

SARAH-JANE:  (Shrugs) Well, it’s the one he’s got.  Are you with me, or not?

NAPOLEON:  (Sighs)  I’m with you.

SARAH-JANE:  Good!  ‘Cause we need to get our other helpers.  (Enter JOHN)  Here’s one now.

JOHN:  (Cheerfully)  Top o’ the morning to you!

SARAH-JANE:  Hello.  Aren’t you John Lawless?

JOHN:  ‘Tis little ol’ me, as you can see.

SARAH-JANE:  I’m Sarah-Jane Cooper, and this Napoleon Dynamite.

JOHN:  Quite an explosive name, that is.

SARAH-JANE:  We need your help to solve a mystery.

JOHN:  I love a good mystery!

NAPOLEON:  We’re looking for a werecat.  It’s like a liger but more dangerous.

JOHN:  Well, now, that answers a whole slew of questions, don’t it?

SARAH-JANE:  Will you help us, or not?

JOHN:  (Shrugs)  An Irishman nevers backs down from a challenge.  Besides, it’s me day off.

SARAH-JANE:  Oh, good!  Come on, we need to find one more person.

(Enter Puddleglum, looking glum)

JOHN:  Good morning to you, sir.

PUDDLEGLUM:  Looks like rain before lunch if it doesn’t snow or hail first.

JOHN:  Well, sir, why so dull on such a bright morning?

PUDDLEGLUM:  The other Marsh-wiggles keep saying I’m too flighty.  They say I need to learn that there’s more to life than fricasseed frogs and eel pies.  How is that possible?

NAPOLEON:  I’m hungry, too.  You ever eat any tots?

PUDDLEGLUM:  Tots?  Do you bake them in a pie?

NAPOLEON:  No.  I just eat mine with ketchup.  By the way, I like your sweet hat.  I’m Napoleon.

PUDDLEGLUM:  Puddleglum’s my name.  But it doesn’t matter if you forget it.  I can always tell you again.

JOHN:  May I see your hand, sir?  (PUDDLEGLUM holds up his hand)  Why, you have webbing like a frog.  Is something wrong?

PUDDLEGLUM:  (Looking annoyed)  Nothing wrong with me.  Nothing frog with me.  I’m a respectabiggle.

SARAH-JANE:  Well, I like you even if you seem to be a wet blanket.  Will you help us find a werecat?

PUDDLEGLUM:    Got to start by finding it, have we?  Not allowed to start by looking for it, I suppose?

SARAH-JANE:  Oh, we’ll have to look for it first.  And I know just the man who can help us.  Will you come?

PUDDLEGLUM:  Might as well go as not.  Might catch some victuals while we’re at it, as long as we don’t faint with hunger first.

SARAH-JANE:  Great!  We’ll make a great team.  Let’s go!  (Enter SPARROW)  Jack Sparrow!  Just the man I wanted to find.

SPARROW:  Captain, love.  Captain Jack Sparrow.

NAPOLEON:  I thought we were looking for a werecat.

SARAH-JANE:  We are.  But we need Captain Sparrow and his boat.

SPARROW:  Ship, love.  The Black Pearl is a ship.

SARAH-JANE:  Aren’t you going to Tortuga today?

SPARROW:  Who wants to know?

SARAH-JANE:  I’m Sarah-Jane Cooper.  These are my friends, and we’re looking for the werecat Solembum.

SPARROW:  Solembum, eh?  What’s in it for me?

SARAH-JANE:  I have four dollars.

NAPOLEON:  I could get you some tots.

PUDDLEGLUM:  If I could catch some eels, I’d bake you a pie, but they take a mortal long time to cook.

SPARROW:  You call that treasure?

JOHN:  Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.  You look like a man who appreciates a good drink.


JOHN:  Better than rum.

SPARROW:  Can you sail under the command of a pirate?

ALL:  Yes.

SPARROW:  Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death?

ALL:  Yes.

SPARROW:  Good.  I can always use extra hands.  Let’s be on our way.


Scene 2   Deck of the Black Pearl.  Enter SARAH-JANE, NAPOLEON, JOHN, and PUDDLEGLUM.

SARAH-JANE:  We need to review what we know about werecats.

NAPOLEON:  I only know about ligers.

JOHN:  I’ve heard o’ werewolves.  Are they anything like that?

PUDDLEGLUM:  Well, you can review what you know about werecats if you want, but I’m afraid very little has ever been known about them.

SARAH-JANE:  Can’t they change their shape?

NAPOLEON:  You mean, like a shape-shifter?  Sweet!

JOHN:  Since a werewolf changes from a man to a wolf, I assume a werecat changes from a man to a cat.

PUDDLEGLUM:  That’s fairly obvious, though not as obvious as one might think.

SARAH-JANE:  I’ve been told that when Solembum changes from being a cat, he’s a boy with slanted eyes and shaggy black hair, and he weaves a sprig of holly into his hair.

JOHN:  Like that young fellow there?  (Points to SOLEMBUM who is walking past.)

SARAH-JANE:  (Gasps)  Excuse me, we’d like to talk to you.  (SOLEMBUM keeps walking.)

JOHN:  Hello there, young man with the holly black hair.  (SOLEMBUM turns around.)

SOLEMBUM:  Are you talking to me?

NAPOLEON:  Do you see anyone else with holly in their hair?

PUDDLEGLUM:  Perhaps you could tell us your name, unless you don’t care to tell us.

SOLEMBUM:  I go by many names. 

JOHN:  Just your proper name, if you please.

SOLEMBUM:  If you are looking for my proper one, you will have to look elsewhere.  However, you may call me Solembum.

NAPOLEON:  Yessssssss.

SARAH-JANE:  I knew it!  We’ve been looking for you!

SOLEMBUM:  There was no need.

SARAH-JANE:  But are you all right?  Angela has been worried about you.

SOLEMBUM:  I have been visiting my sister.  I am now returning to Alagaesia.

PUDDLEGLUM:  I hope that’s not too close to Narnia.

NAPOLEON:  What kind of skills do you have?

SOLEMBUM:  I catch rats.  (He changes into a cat.)  Purrfectly.  (He walks away.)



SPARROW:  Lawless!

JOHN:  Yes, sir.  You yelled, sir?

SPARROW:  Why is the rum gone?

JOHN:  Do ye not remember I had something better than rum?

SPARROW:  But why is the rum gone?

JOHN:  Here, try me Irish coffee.

SARAH-JANE:  May I have some, please?

JOHN:  Sorry, me girl, it’ll be a mocha latte for you.

NAPOLEON:  Irish coffee sounds retarded.  I’d rather have a coke.

PUDDLEGLUM:  I suppose you wouldn’t happen to have any eels just lying about.

SARAH-JANE:  Captain Sparrow, we have found our missing werecat with your crew.

JOHN:  Have you noticed a decrease in your rat population aboard ship?

SPARROW:  Well, I hadn’t really noticed, but that is a good thing.  Fewer rats, fewer holes in my ship.

JOHN:  For Sarah-Jane to find the missing werecat and the Black Pearl become rat-free both in the same person, that’s fortuosity!

NAPOLEON:  Then all our wildest dreams have come true.

SPARROW:  I love a happy ending!  Drinks all around!

JOHN:  No shilly-shallyin’, no dilly-dallyin’, let’s ‘ave a drink on it now!

SARAH-JANE:  Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho!

PUDDLEGLUM:  And really bad eggs.


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